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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

10 + 1 Building Blocks Of Relationships: Security

So many times in relationships we get stuck in a rut. We keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again. This has a lot to do with personality, but also with our sense of security. Having a sense of security is the most important factor in taking a ho hum life filled with every day ok relationships to one overflowing with extraordinary vitality. Understanding security and where to correctly focus its sense of fulfillment that will take your personal growth and development to a higher level.

Generally, when we think of security in a relationship it can be represent by one of two factors, emotional or financial security. While we find both of these as factors in any successful relationship, their relevance is accentuated in our closest relationships. We find both of these in our closest relationship, the one we share with God. Unfortunately, when we look to other people to satisfy a need that can only be achieved by having a close, personal relationship with God we set ourselves and our relationships up for difficulty and even failure.

There is one key assumption to extraordinary relationships: Our strong, close and healthy personal interactions are at their best when we are compatible with the other people that we surround ourselves with.

If we are compatible with the other people in our close circles, and our lives are centered on the Lord, won't have to look too far to identify the key issues with security. At that point, it would boil down to our own insecurities, the topic of a complex psychological discussion that might be based on a number of factors including personality and events of our past. These insecurities can cause us to latch on to the wrong people for the wrong reasons, and away from extraordinary relationships.

How do I know if I have extraordinary relationships? Here's some insight:

According to clinical psychologist Craig Malkin, Ph.D., "people who feel more securely attached (comfortable being close to and depending on someone) aren’t just happier, but more likely to seek thrills like rock-climbing and parachute jumping and throw themselves into new situations and challenges, like meeting strangers and traveling overseas. And now, new research suggests that their sense of adventure may stem from a lust for life that security, itself, imparts."

I thought that was pretty revealing and refreshing.

Feeling safe and secure in our relationships is a key factor to leading a fulfilling life. (Click To Tweet)

A while back I wrote about some rules of the road for interaction in relationships that we shared at church. These are ideas that would help guard your marriage. While I continue to believe these are good, I also believe that in our closest relationship, in marriage or a committed relationship, if you are truly compatible with your significant other you don't need a bunch of rules to live by... other than maybe this list:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

There is an excellent book that we're reading together right now called The Love Dare. I would highly recommend it to any married couple or those in a long-term committed relationship. You will find out a lot about your significant other, and this book will help you build a rock solid relationship based on Biblical foundation.

Here are three factors that help provide a sense of security in a relationship:

- Time. It takes lots of time to really get to know someone well. Be patient and enjoy the adventure of exploration.
- Trust. I'm a firm believer that the only way to find out if you can trust someone is by trusting them. Maybe think of this as taking baby steps in learning to walk... slowly... steadily... listening and learning along the way.
- Authentic Communication. Eventually the real me is going to show up. We can avoid a whole lot of drama if we're just being down to earth... unless we're really just looking for something other than extraordinary relationships. Then, by all means, Bon Appetit!!

Where do you find security in your close, personal relationships?


From Carols Quill said...

Another great post, Chris. I love this series.

The point that hit me most was about time. While "quality time" is important, "quantity" is what counts--just being there and being available for when you're needed. Being there when needed helps create trust and security.

Quality can be a matter of opinion. Quantity is quantifiable.

Thanks for this great "security" post.

chris said...

So true Carol, we shouldn't have to schedule a time with a significant other to say I love you, offer words of encouragement, or to be a good listener in times of need.

Thank you so much for hosting this series!